The DC Traveler

The Travel & Culture theme for this month is a “rant”. So I came up with a list of ten things that I see tourists do frequently that isn’t helping their reputation while visiting DC.  Hopefully I’ll include a couple hints versus just bitching.

I’m not a DC native, yet since I  moved to the DC area, I’ve always thought DC residents are usually very helpful and overly gracious to most tourists.  I think people want you to enjoy your visit to the Nation’s capital.  Most people throughout the area seem more than willing to take countless photos of you and your posse in front of your favorite monument, or provide directions or just recommend a great place for food or fun.

But trust me…tourists can push people’s patience on a couple issues.

1) Driving in the District — DC locals know that our traffic is, at times, worse than horrendous. For the unfamiliar, driving the District can be a huge challenge, or even intimidating, especially for the first timer.  But when (not if) you get lost or confused around DC, please don’t just stop where you are and try to figure out your next step.  There are people behind you actually trying to get to somewhere.  Additionally, any radical move such as crossing five lanes of highway traffic at 60 mph to get off at “your” exit or stopping in the left turn lane with a green light and waiting for traffic to clear because you wanted to turn right is dangerous and quite frankly really stupid.

So a word of caution…There’s another exit just up the road a bit, you can go around the block, you can turn around where it’s safe, or simply pull over out of traffic and get your bearings. Trust me…the monuments will be there when you finally get there.

2) Walking Around Town — It seems as if tourists are infected with a unique virus whenever they travel that forces them to only walk side-by-side, especially in large groups. Just a couple nights ago, I was walking on the Mall and six tourists were slowly walking six-abreast, taking up the entire sidewalk.  Oblivious of anyone behind them, other pedestrians simply couldn’t pass.  So a basic rule for walking in DC, keep right and try to take up only half the sidewalk.  Trust me…you won’t lose your friends if they end up two steps behind you. This ain’t the jungle, that’s the big white domed building on the hill.

3) Passing Through a Metro Turnstiles – When a DC police officer yells “FREEZE”, do it.  But NEVER, EVER, EVER freeze passing through a Metro turnstile, even if you have no idea which way to turn.  Doing so will earn you more negative comments than a partisan Congressional scandal investigating a government official because his fingers were discovered under a stall.  Trust me…you can walk a few more paces before freezing up like a Senator caught leaving a DC strip club.

4) Entering and Exits the Metro – DC’s Metro subway system does not use a flat fare system like the New York or Chicago transit systems. Rides are charged based on the distance you travel. So you need to have a farecard with enough value to exit the automated turnstile at the other end of your ride.  If you’re riding Metro for the first time, save yourself some time and embarrassment (not to mention negative comments from your fellow riders).  

Before going through the fare turnstile, watch how others are doing it.  Here’s the basic process. 

1. Check the subway route maps. 
2. Determine the fare to your destination.
3. Buy enough value on your farecard to pay for your ride.
4. Using your farecard, proceed through the turnstile, remembering to take your farecard from the machine after its been read and the gate opens. 
5. Keep walking, until clear of the entrance.  
6. At your destination, repeat Step 4.
7. If confused, ask for help at the ticket window, BEFORE getting in line.

If you’ll be touring the city for the day, it’s easiest to buy a $6.50 one-day or multi-day Metrorail pass and forget about the need to calculate fares. Trust me…just a little bit of planning actually works.

 5) Riding Metro Escalators – Just one word of advice – Walk left, Stand right.  Trust me…if you stop and stand on the left, your fellow riders will declare a jihad on you.

6) Sloppy Attire — DC can be a fairly dressy, yet fashionably  conservative city, due I suspect to the heavy and conservative government influence. So it’s still considered by many to be a “suit and tie” city. To illustrate, the last couple theater performances I attended, I saw very few people dressed sloppily, very casually or in jeans.  But there were several tuxedoes and evening gowns in attendance. And this was not the opera or opening night of the NSO.  I always think it’s nice to see people dressing up for the occasion.  

Whereas dressing as if you’re at the beach is okay…when you’re at the beach. But probably not for the theater or dining at a nice restaurant in town.  I know, it’s all about “comfort” these days.  Yea, right. 

You can be just as comfortable in something that doesn’t look like it was purchased out of the bargain bin at the Goodwill store.  True? So pack something a bit nicer to wear if you plan to dine at any place where you don’t order at a counter or out the window of your car. And please, leave the $1.29 flip-flops for touring the Mall. Trust me…I guarantee you won’t get seated at a table in the back next to the smelly bathroom.

7) Entering a Metro Train — I think Einstein proved that if you let the people off FIRST, there will be surprisingly more room for you to get on.  So stop acting like a highly-partisan politocrat who wants to be the first in line to condemn the other side. Trust me…the train won’t leave without you.

Smoking — It’s illegal to smoke indoors in most places in DC including in bars and restaurants, as well as suburban Maryland. Virginia, for some unknown reason, still allows smokers to light up in bars, as well as in restaurants that offer non-smoking sections.

DC non-smokers are vocal and will aggressively tell you to put your butt out faster than a special prosecutor can file obstruction of justice charges.  So trust me…don’t even try to light up indoors.

9) Street Hustlers  – Like many major cities, DC has it’s share of homeless people.  Most keep to themselves or politely ask for a handout.  The group to watch out for are the low-rent hustlers.  They seem to target naive tourists. These are the guys that say things like “I’ll watch your parked car for you…make sure it doesn’t get scratched”, or “I’ll fill your parking meter when it expires, the cops are al around”. You know the type.  Yes, these guys are hustlers.  Give them some coin and they will be spending it faster than Congress can spend your tax dollars.  Best bet, just ignore them, don’t talk to them and simply walk away.  Trust me…if they get easy hand outs, it only reinforces their annoying behavior. 

 10) Leaving a Parking Spot — A couple years ago, a university conducted a study (no doubt government funded) and determined that drivers actually take MORE time to leave a parking spot when they know another driver is waiting to take that spot.  Talk about passive-aggressive!!

A car waiting for you to pull out of your spot can create a huge back up behind them, even longer than the line at a watering hole on Capitol Hill with a free happy-hour buffet.

Here’s an idea. Quickly enter your car, pull out, drive a block or two and pull over at the next open area.  Then take your time to adjust your seat, mirrors, hair, air conditioning, radio, make-up, check your text messages, map, photos  you just took of the monument, and pick at that thing from your half-smoke lunch that’s still stuck between your teeth. Trust me… the zillion other drivers that are trying to go on about their day will appreciate you not causing a 16 block back up on Constitution Avenue ten minutes before the HOV* restriction go into  effect.

BONUS) Changing Traffic Patterns — With heightened security alerts, protests, parades, demonstrations, causes-related walks, VIPS and visiting foreign heads of state, at times streets in the District may be blocked or traffic patterns detoured.  Don’t stop and gawk, don’t whine to the cop, and don’t attempt to be the exception. Just go with the flow. Trust me…we have enough “important” people in town causing scenes and throwing tantrums, we really don’t need more.

Now please, enjoy your stay!

* car pool

Images – Flickr

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